Note to Self: Avoid Channel 502

I am slightly miffed because I had been hoping to finally catch the fourth episode of Gravity Falls, but I wound up missing half of it because of dinner.  I also discovered that the refrigerator clock is off by about a quarter of an hour.  No wonder I've been so confused lately.  The ending had an unexpectedly shocking revelation.  It's sort of the kid's show equivalent of the Winchester brothers seeing their dad walk out of the shadows.  After that I decided to surf channels.

Speaking of TV channels, I'm annoyed that the BBC channel is not available where I live.  Whenever I scroll over channels in the menu, I always seem to see an episode of Top Gear playing, or possibly Kitchen Nightmares.  Without fail, I click the channel knowing full well that television doesn't work like it might in Peter Pan.  You can't just start shouting, "I do believe in the BBC channel's availability on my TV! I do believe in the BBC channel's availability on my TV!" and expect that it will become available.  Alas.  There are certain movie channels, though.  Midnight in Paris is on rather frequently.  I also get completely thrown off every time I see "The Avengers" on television because it is not actually Marvel's Avengers but something else entirely.  Imagine how freaked out I was when I saw the title on some channel before the premiere of Marvel's Avengers.  Equally confusing/disappointing is "Black Widow," which is a movie that has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with Scarlett Johansson or Jeremy Renner.  I probably haven't felt this disappointed in a misleading movie title since discovering "The War of the Roses" has nothing to do with the European war between houses of York and Lancaster. 

But I digress.  I made a discovery of a channel I didn't even know existed.  I doubt our provider has it included, but for once it's a channel I'd stay as far away from as humanly possible.  It appears to be a sex channel with such hilarious show titles as

• Hot MILF Masturbators
• 15 Uncensored Orgasms
• Hot & Lonely Masturbating
• Slut Training: Beautiful
• Porn Star Wannabes: Eager
• I'm Home Alone, Wet, and Very $9.99
• Miami Beach Sex Orgy

Okay, a few things here.  Obviously it's uncensored!! If you're on a sex channel in the first place, you're almost certainly there because you want to be.  Why on earth they'd bother censoring anything is beyond me.  God forbid you see the really naughty bits! You're already depraved, why hold back? "Hot & Lonely Masturbating?" Lonely? Really? That's a bit redundant, isn't it?

The next two have absurd subtitles.  Beauty in the eye of the beholder and all that garbage, but I fail to see what could be beautiful about "slut training."  In the first place, that's a horrible thing to want to teach/be taught.  Secondly, how difficult could it possibly be anyway? Training seems to imply there's some sort of secret technique, passed down through generations.  This isn't martial arts.  Get the fuck out.  How many people actually grow up thinking to themselves "when I grow up, I want to be the greatest slut that ever lived!" If by chance, god hope you aren't, but if you are one of those people, you need to sit down and really, and I do mean really, think about your life.  Think about your choices.  Have you considered anything else? If people can get paid to not grow corn, I'm sure there are other equally strange career paths for you to take without the social stigma.

Next one is just confusing.  "Very $9.99"? What on earth does that mean? For that matter, why bother with the emphasis? See, there's regular $9.99, but we need you to know that this is VERY $9.99.  Want to know what else costs $9.99? DVDs, crappy video games, and eBooks.  Apparently $9.99 is also the title of a movie about hope, which I hope is not what a sex channel is referencing.  That would be quite disheartening and pathetic indeed.  The last one is really weird, too.  It wasn't enough merely to say "Miami Beach Orgy," was it? No.  They had to say "sex orgy," because after all, they wouldn't want their viewers getting confused.  God forbid the show be about a music band, or the other definition of an orgy: standing around with people whilst not wearing socks.  I've never understood what was up with that definition being so strongly insisted upon by high school students, or why people can't seem to agree on the number of people that constitute an orgy.  I was once with a group of friends who argued with one another as to whether an orgy was defined by three people with their shoes/socks off, or four.  It was obviously a very important discussion which I can't be bothered to care about because I personally think the most important question to ask yourself is if you're happy doing it.